Thursday, December 4, 2014

how did i get here?

Have you noticed a trend? Running blog... pregnant running blog...baby birth story...blog about comeback plan...radio silence...radio silence...poof. I knew in the list of things that would be left on the roadside while this circus car screamed down the road the starfish blog would be first.

I didn't expect running to take such a backseat. Or how I'd hold on to life by the edges at 3pm, so tired I could vomit. I didn't know we still wouldn't be sleeping. I didn't know how much I could love the tiny mouth that needs make sure I'm still here 6 times a night. I didn't know anything! 

Three weeks ago I went back to Oiselle full time. A full time job and a 15 week old. Sounds pretty do-able on paper. But I can count on one hand how many times I've slept more than 3 hours at a time in the last 15 weeks. And it's not just the lack of sleep it's the way it's lacking. Every night I lay a little bundle down to sleep and she might sleep 45 minutes, or an hour or four hours. But there is no way to know. Then she wakes and I must put her back down, again, like a little alarm set to an unknown time. And again and again, until the sun is rising and it's time for us to get up and meet another day.
Get on up


She talks us both awake at 6:50a. She moves her head to butt into mine because her hands are in her swaddle. Then I'm awake staring into her tiny smiling face. She's usually in bed next to me because I gave up trying to put her back down after a 4am feeding. And sleepily feed her in bed the last (couple) times. I unwrap her swaddle and pow, both hands up. She has a long stretching routine, and I lay next to her and try not to barf with exhaustion. And every morning I'm amazed at how cute she is. I take a few pics and send them to Owen who left an hour ago for the bus. Then I pick her up and sing 'What time is it? D-d-d-diaper time' Always Sunny style ... because it's diaper time.

I get ready, get her ready, make coffee, breakfast, my lunch, feed her and usually put her down for her first nap all before I leave for work. I prop her here and there...in the bed, in her rock n play, and we talk and talk. The nanny and her little boy show up at 8:45am and I run out the door to work.
Got enough toys?

I live less than 1/2 mile from the office. I walk. She comes down with the nanny once to eat and I go home once to feed her (on a good day). And pump in-between or when we can't make the eat meet up work. I love seeing her during the day. She barely eats some meet ups because she can't stop talking to me. Ahh I can't wait until we speak the same language. 
Office visit


Owen is home at 4:30pm and I'm home at 6pm. We play with PJ, attempt dinner and then I usually go to bed with her at the un-adult hour of 7:30pm. Because I'm exhausted and like I said, I just never know what the night will bring.
After work chats


Running. Hmm. Yeah. I do run, I still love it and the feeling of getting stronger. But I only have a few hours with the bug I love so much, and it's hard to use time to run. I'm figuring it out, this new life as a working mom. Yesterday I ran at lunch with Katie. Some nights I run a couple miles for sanity. I run as fast as I can. Once she starts a little better sleep, I'll run after she goes down. And after the winter we can run together with the jogger. Right now, the name of the game is love the baby and hold on tight.

Friday, October 17, 2014

week one + two - baby back

The word postpartum bums me out so these updates will be called 'Baby Back'. The first week 'back' was solid. The second a bit of a slide. Not only with doing work, but also tracking it. I will say, other than the days with an 'x', I did my diastasis recti repair work every day. That's a big win.
 
My hips and knees complain about pretty much all movement. Hope they start cooperating soon.

Week One (9/29 - 10/5)
MON TUE WED THUR FRI SAT SUN
6 wk checkup,
2.9mi run/walk
45 minute walk x AM: 5mi walk
PM: 1.5mi walk, .5mi run
2.5mi run/
2mi walk
? 3.3mi run

Week Two (10/6 - 10/12)
MON TUE WED THUR FRI SAT SUN
? 2.7mi run COLORADO
Travel Day

Stationary Bike - 12mi
Elliptical - :20minutes
Treadmill - 1.7mi run     
x                   x               x               

cruising through DIA at 11pm, baby PJ in backup PJs after blowing it out during boarding
sweater weather baby!
 My training went a bit off the rails during our trip to Colorado. I did cross train at the Stanley Hotel on Thursday, but Friday and Saturday I just concentrated on being a decent maid-of-honor at my friend's wedding and a decent mom. Yes, decent on both accounts because I just couldn't be stellar at both. ;) Nothing like putting my baby to nap one room over from 6 girls champagne-ing their way through hair and makeup or self expressing minutes before the ceremony to make me feel like mom of the year. Or asking 'how late it was' at 8:30pm to make me feel like a great bridesmaid. 

But PJ did just great away from me. My parents flew in from Massachusetts to be her personal nanny team. And Owen and I had our first (3!) nights out. I even had a couple glasses of wine at the wedding since one adorable baby decided she was cool with a bottle.

not a bad view for cross training
earning my keep as MOH

Overall our first big adventure was great and Penny was an easy travel companion. She slept like a champ in cars and planes. The only bummer of the trip was it rained every day except the wedding so Owen has yet to actually see the Rocky Mountains. But we'll be back one day, I'd love to show PJ and him around the state I called home twice.

Friday, October 3, 2014

penelope at six weeks - i know some stuff!

I have to admit something. It's dark and twisted. When I saw friends on maternity leave I thought, "how relaxing". Yes, I know, sick. I pictured them in a clean, fluffy house, cuddling a serene little baby. While the baby slept maybe they were journaling about the bliss of motherhood, or baking pumpkin bread while humming lullabies.

That first week with baby, as I loosely clung to life, I wanted to call and apologize to every mother I knew for ever considering motherhood as 'easy'.

Before she arrived everyone warned, it's hard. And I found that offensive. Owen compared this 'advice' to asking about a hike and everyone harping on the shitty parts rather than the views or fresh air. Like, "you'll be exhausted, there will be these rocks and you'll have to climb over them, you're going to get thirsty." They were right, it's hard. But also the views are amazing. Like nothing I've ever seen.

In the last six weeks I learn something new every single day. If you're expecting, or expecting to expect some day I'm not going to tell you 'how tired you'll be', every stranger ever will fill you in on that. They will run up to you to rub it in. (BUT after you have the baby they will run up to tell you to cherish it.) Anyway, here's the stuff I've learned so far. I hope you find it helpful.
six weeks - chatting all day
  • Do not attempt to change a pee diaper in bed to 'save time' in the middle of the night. You will be shit upon. Your sheets, your hand, your baby's jammies...everything will be covered in mustard colored poo. And changing all that bleary eyed at 1am is much worse than walking your ass over to the changing table. 
  • You will eat the majority your meals at a lukewarm temperature, one-handed, standing at the kitchen counter while holding a screaming or coo-ing baby. Coo-ing baby is a preferable dining partner. 
  •  It isn't wrong to notice your nursing baby's head would be the perfect surface to balance your fry's dipping sauce on. It is (probably) wrong to actually act upon this knowledge. 
  • Showering with your baby is the solution to everything (sometimes). You get to shower! They don't smell as much like old milk after! Also babies are like adorable little seal pups when wet. And mine happens to love the water like she was born to the ocean. Win-win-win. 
  • You might look pregnant for a (long) while. Just two weeks ago the Safeway bagger asked me when I was due. Awesome. To avoid this carry or wear your baby at all times.
    • Related: weird 'shaper' underwear is bullshit. Spend that money on something better like ice cream.
  • When your milk comes in you will have rock hard, enormous, porn star boobs. This awesomeness will be overshadowed by the fact that they hurt like hell. And every two hours you will latch a baby onto them who hasn't quite figured out how to nurse. This (often) leads to cracked bleeding nipples. So as you go to feed each time you will cry just a little. Don't worry this gets better within 4-6 days. Hang in there.
  • On that note, everything changes all the time. Don't prepare to get used to anything... good or bad. 
  • And another thing about nursing, one boob can out preform the other. This is great look.
  • You'll find yourself rocking side to side even when you're not carrying/wearing the baby. It'll start to feel more natural than standing still. 
  • Find mom friends. I don't care how. Just find them. Then make sure you talk often.
    sally - the baby whisperer
  • Starbucks is filled with strollers for a reason. It's the perfect sanity trip. You're not out too long, it's walkable, and full of caffeine. Plus it's a great place to pick up mom friends.
  • Seattle to Yakima to taste wine at Owen Roe is not the perfect sanity trip. But it's well worth it. Get out and do big things once in awhile. It's scary at first, but you can do it.
    wine tasting adventure with my brother, round trip over 5 hours..
    first overnight trip - to port angeles with the great noni and tony (owen had to work)
  • The first time you sleep more than 2 hours is heavenly. 5 hours - indescribable. You will try to remember why you ever complained about 'not getting good sleep' before the baby. That proclamation was undoubtedly false. 
  • Laugh. I have never laughed so much with my husband as those first weeks. Even when I cried he made me laugh. We would be sitting in bed at 2am staring at this little face with eyes that wouldn't shut and he'd have me laughing silently to the point of tears by doing a reality show voiceover of the situation. One couple, one tiny baby, no sleep...
    hands up if you love saturday mornings!
  • Sleep deprivation can make everything more hilarious or more devastating than it really is. Choose 'more hilarious' when you can. 
  • While a baby is born little, their farts are fully matured. You'll need to call them out to save people from thinking you have lost fart control during pregnancy and birth.
  • Babies love dance parties! And even if you have always hated your singing voice, they will love it! You are Diana Ross to a baby. They would sign you to their label immediately.
  • Always be snacking. 
  • Having a baby is like having an inappropriate friend constantly screaming "take your top off!!!" in public. Except with a baby, you have to do it. 
  • Baby wearing is awesome. But getting the baby into the Moby or K'tan feels like putting on a wet bathing suit while someone screams in your ear.
  • Don't be afraid to call the doctor. I know there is a note in Penelope's chart that says something like, "extremely reactive first time mother's name is Sarah". I have made an appointment with the full admission it was more for me to hear she was okay. 
  • The first cold they get is terrifying. A baby is already grunty and has trouble breathing. Add a cold to the mix and you won't sleep for two straight nights. You'll be up listening to every little noise. Remember they are fine, you aren't. That's okay. 
  • Nose Frida is the best game. Sucking snot out of your sick baby's nose is indescribably satisfying. Even better after you steam the bathroom up with a warm shower. (Your husband may be repulsed by your snot obsession.)
  • You will love bigger than you ever thought was possible. Even when you are sucking snot out of a tiny nose in a steamy bathroom at 2am. 
At 6 weeks she's so awesome. The first weeks it was mainly sleep, cry, eat, sleep. But a couple weeks ago things changed. When she's awake she chats and chats. Smiles and laughs. It's the best! Even when she's in the back of the car in her seat I miss her and can't wait to see her again. Or like now when she's sleeping in her swing covered in my bathrobe (great new trick I found so I could make breakfast) I can't wait until she wakes up again to hang out. Our time together during maternity leave is going by much too fast suddenly.

one month dancing in chair - photo attempt
We both have a lot to learn about being a baby human and a mom. I'm always ready for advice from those who've been here before. My biggest question right now is will my belly button ever look less like an elephant's knee cap?

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

don't call it a comeback

Actually no, please do. This is totally a comeback.

Sure, I've run up a few hills during an ambitious stroller walk. And yes, on Saturday after another long drive I did a loop or two of the Maple Leaf Park. But yesterday was my first official day off the bench after and 40 weeks of baby carrying and my surprise c-section (I've decided using the word surprise gives it more of a festive tone). 

I had my six week check up with the midwives. And no they didn't give me a dunce cap that said "Midwife Dropout" like I was (half way) expecting. They made sure I wasn't depressed, check. And then did a quick exam. Everything looking good except I have diastasis recti, about three fingers fit between my abs. Crud. My core has always been pretty weak sauce anyway and was on my to-do list. But it was pretty sad/gross to be able to fit half a fist between my ab muscles.
short hike with penelope - hurricane ridge
This is week one, ground 0. I don't have an end in sight. No goal race. What I want is to get as strong and as unbreakable as I can get. To build a solid foundation. Of course I also want to nail Olympic Trials marathon standard, sub 2:43, before the 2016 deadline. But to be honest it feels so big and so impossible, I just need to focus on each day for a good while until my foundation is built. Otherwise I'll be tempted to rush the process. 

Last year, leading up to Chicago and after, I dealt with a lot of imbalances and IT/knee pain. I was sort of hoping the issues would ease up after taking 9 months off. Turns out 'hope' isn't what mends imbalances. Nor does carting around an extra 40 pounds on relaxin loaded joints. Weird. 

The foundation work list is as follows:
Glutes
Work on firing glutes and building strength.

Flipper leg
Yeah I have a wonky collapsible knee with a flippy foot. Get back to PT to address the imbalances causing this. 

Side stabber
The great mystery, but I'm sure working on strength and flexibility imbalances will help. Also working with my PT to unstick the muscles involved in side stabber.

Diastasis Recti
Bring those muscles back together. 

Core
In the true sense. Sure abs, but also glutes and back. Kick the imbalances from the broken back to the curb once and for all.

Upper body
Hunchy weak shoulders gots to go. 

Yeah, that should cover it. I think the only thing missing is foot and achilles focus. I haven't had those injuries but I'll work in preventative there too. A little overwhelming. There's lot standing between me and running as hard as I want to. I'm not saying it will be perfect, but I've been scrapping training together on a weak base too long. Time to rebuild. 

I've proven to myself I'm not patient enough to comeback on my own, so I have enlisted expert help. The very person whose patient comeback I've been admiring, Steph Rothstein. I'm so excited to get started. I also am lucky enough to have access to an Eliptigo as I ramp my training up. Actually two, if anyone wants to join me!

WEEK ONE - PLAN
+ Walk at least one hour every day. This could be one or two walks, have been doing this for a month.
+ Incorporate light running into evening walk every other day. Focus on form and uphills. No more than 20 minutes total each runday.
+ Strength glutes, arms, back (3 x week)
+ Stretch and roll (6 x week)
+ Diastasis Recti work (6 x week)
from RealSimple magazine, better illustrations than the midwife handout

Alright, it's go time!

Monday, September 29, 2014

marginal cord insertion - my experience

When I got the word that I had marginal cord insertion I Googled. My searches turned up medical descriptions, message boards with hearsay and lots of questions. It felt like no one was talking about their experiences first hand. I wondered if it was out of fear...because something bad happened. I mean, people are oversharing everything on the internet. Why not this? Now 12 weeks later,  I understand why, it turns out to be a non-issue.

What is marginal cord insertion? Quickly, marginal cord means that the baby's umbilical cord is not connected to the very middle of the placenta. It's off to the side (not the very edge, that's something else). It occurs in 7-9% of pregnancies. The worry is that because it's not connected to the meaty center, the baby might not get adequate nutrition and her growth rate would slow or stop.

sleeping and growing (little face forward)


My marginal cord was found during the 20 week ultrasound. After the diagnosis they scheduled me for ultrasounds every 4-6 weeks to measure her growth. During these check-ins they'd measure her head, tummy, legs, and take her weight. Also they measure the fluid and look at the cord and placenta.

They measured her at 25 weeks and at 32 weeks. The first check in (20 weeks) she was 58th percentile, and second (25 weeks) 76th and her third (32 weeks) 88th! She's measuring big and continuing on the same growth pattern. Two technicians in a row have said, point blank, that they have never seen a small baby because of marginal cord. Both techs have been doing this for years, one for more than 20.

Penelope was born on her due date at 8lbs 5oz, 20.5 inches long and very healthy. Unrelated, my water broke prematurely and after various attempts to get labor started she was delivered via c-section. She is now 6 weeks old and growing fast.

I'm not writing this as any kind of medical expert, I only have my personal experience to share. And I've wavered on sharing it. But I decided to, in case you're like me, Googling yourself down a bad path, believe your doctor if they tell you margical cord nothing to worry about. They aren't just blowing sunshine to ease your mind. Just enjoy your extra sneak peeks and keep your eyes ahead. There are plenty of other things to worry about.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

comeback journey - post pregnancy

I've been so inspired by Steph Rothstein's honesty during her pregnancy and comeback. I've been impressed with her patience most of all. I think it's easier for a competitive person to push beyond their limits, start too much too soon. She's been making a smart comeback and starting a movement, #journeywithsteph, encouraging people to join her as she comes back. She's also using Lauren Fleshman's #keepingitreal as inspiration. Steph and Lauren have long been role models for me in sport and in life. I'm following them on my comeback road, albeit many miles behind.

I'm no pro runner, but like everyone I've got goals! I'm excited to turn my attention back to them now that my body, more or less, belongs to me again. It's going to require patience and flexibility, luckily pregnancy, delivery and these first weeks have given me a crash course in both virtues. Right now I have my sights set on just getting back on the road in one piece, racing will come later.

Penelope will be three weeks old tomorrow. It feels like she arrived yesterday and also like there was no life before her. In the interest of keeping it real, I wish I had more pictures of myself week one, but in truth they would have been hard to look at. Anyway, here's where we're at.

Week One
Complete blur. Like I said in my last post, I was rough this week. I was swollen, my legs were unrecognizable. My belly looked like I was still 7 months pregnant. Felt disconnected between mind and body. Couldn't even pull in on my abs to stand straight. Joints were very achy and painful, especially knees and hips.
First walk 4 days after having PJ. Incredibly flattering outfit. Two blocks felt like a marathon.
Week Two
Started to feel a little more like myself, still very shaky though. Couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without feeling sweaty, blurry and faint. Never passed out, but felt very close to it many times. The fluid left and I could assess see my legs... so atrophied. Could sort of pull in on my abs, the mind body connection is getting better. 
Start of week two, 9 days after having PJ
Week Three
Feeling much more like myself, or 'my new self'. Emotionally, physically and mentally starting to come around to this new life. Sleep is all over the place, some nights she goes 4 hour stints, others, like last night, I sleep for 2.5 hours total. 

This is the first week I've started to feel restless and ready to rehab. I have so much work to do. It's like my body was completely torn down and I have to build it from scratch. I'm not cleared for "real exercise" until 6 weeks out, so my focus is very small. That's what I need. I'm starting with little PT exercises, as though I'm coming back from an injury. The way my core feels right now, I think I'll need longer than 6 weeks to start running. But I hope to be ready to incorporate one minute runs in my walks. 
Out of the house and in West Seattle on Labor Day, 2 weeks after having PJ
 Pregnancy Recap
Working Out
I ran up until week 30. But only 1 or 2 times a week. Never more than 3 miles. No running after week 30. My IT band was beat up from Chicago, still is. Running pregnant was not my thing. It felt like steaming sh*t to run most days. Lots of side cramps, round ligament pain, joint pain. 

Walked at least 30 minutes every day. Did Green Lake most days (3.5 or 4 miles round trip from my house). Did prenatal yoga once a week. Didn't track anything. Just moved as much as I could.

Weight Gain
I gained 40 pounds, yeah buddy! Topping the charts at 170. I ate very healthy for this little bug, but like all times in life I didn't track anything. And I certainly enjoyed a treat a day. 

Delivery
See blog about birth here. 30+ on pitocin, fluids and various drugs ending in c-section.

First Steps - Comeback Road
Recover 
First priority is still recovery. While I do feel good, c-section is major surgery and I need to respect it. Recovery is taking care of myself, eating right and trying to find ways to get sleep. It's also getting my feet back under me. 

- Plan my days (loosely) so I don't find myself hostage in the house
- Take easy walks for sanity every day
- Meet up with friends
- Roll out legs
- Drink 3 liters of water a day
- Eat well, and enough
- Make an appointment with my PT

Rebuild
Focusing stabilizing muscles and addressing the muscle atrophy.

- Stand up straight, engage core and stop the bad slumpy habits

- Clam shells
- Leg lifts (inner and outer hip focus)
- Standing one leg 'dead lifts'
- Lunges during walk
- Hip hikes on curbs during walk
- Arm wall slides
- Wall pushups
- Ankle ABCs
- Calf raises
- Leg drops (tiny version of reverse crunches)
- Opposite leg/arm raise

...You get the idea. I wrote each exercise on a flash card and I randomly draw one or two when I have time. I'm also getting creative during baby soothing, inventing little exercises while I rock her back to sleep at 2am. It all adds up, right?

Like I said the goal is to get back on the road. I miss running so much, I can't wait until that first step. And I'll take it from there.