I'M NOT SORRY

PJ loves to play mama. She pushes her stroller around, and shushes her babies to sleep; she asks if they’re hungry or if they have poopy. But lately when she plays mama she says sorry…a lot. In her little higher than normal mimic play voice she says ‘sorry’, ‘sorry people’.

That shook me. Do I say sorry that often? I listened to myself. I do. I actually do. I say sorry when I mean excuse me. I say sorry when I start a request at a coffee shop. I say sorry when I mean nothing of the sort. I’m not sorry. Or am I?

Lately I’ve been sorry. For not being able to push through. For getting sick over and over. For not being the shining Haute VolĂ©e human that is fist pumping her way to a finish line. Or crushing 50 40 mile weeks. For just being a average 30 something, who’s trying not to use wine as a crutch and keeps snipping at her husband. Who’s losing sleep over houses and sewer lines and why my kid keeps saying sorry.


I was planning to race the Rock n Roll Seattle Half. But I’m not racing it anymore. I wrote the coordinator last week. It was really hard for me to do it. I beat myself up over it, why couldn’t I get it together? Why not just race? Even after spending the day throwing up. Or accurately, spent the day throwing up and forcing myself to walk through 5 houses in Tacoma, as the black of sickness closed in tighter and tighter and I could barely walk. I still thought "maybe I’m being a wimp".

Because when the going gets tough, the tough get going. If it were easy everyone would do it. No days off. Just do it.

Saying no can be harder than saying yes.

No. I’m not sorry.

Comments

  1. The sickness is really hard, like harder with kids than I would have ever imagined. I always heard parents with young kids say...'oh they are sick alot, or they carry germs' but seriously every other week someone is sick in this house. it really takes a toll on average life. I would get a yearly cold before and now... all the time. And we are healthy people overall! Anyways you are not weak I promise you, that shit DRAINS. I hope you find a house ASAP and I hope we can all get some birdcamp recharge.

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  2. I think that picture of you is beautiful and inspiring, but I think your willingness to be honest and open about the not-fist-pump moments makes you even more beautiful and inspiring. Sending so much love your way.

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  3. What a wonderful post - I have a four year old and can totally relate! Thank you for writing this!

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  4. Love you. Saying no can be so so hard. It is not the easy way out, it is the brave honest right way sometimes.
    Also - - - -
    Ollie learned last year how to give a pretty cold scowl, which he got from me, and it cut me to the core. He had to go through becoming 3 while I was pregnant twice. And then a new baby. I had to pull back into myself and regroup. I didn't even have goals like career and elite running and houses on my mind. You are awesome, even on the hard days.

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  5. Love you. Saying no can be so so hard. It is not the easy way out, it is the brave honest right way sometimes.
    Also - - - -
    Ollie learned last year how to give a pretty cold scowl, which he got from me, and it cut me to the core. He had to go through becoming 3 while I was pregnant twice. And then a new baby. I had to pull back into myself and regroup. I didn't even have goals like career and elite running and houses on my mind. You are awesome, even on the hard days.

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  6. Great post! It's interesting timing, we just noticed our daughter has been saying it a lot too. Especially when she doesn't need to be saying it. For example, my husband ran over a curb in the car and she says "Sorry Daddy" from the backseat!!!! Or when she sits near you on the couch and touches you, she says sorry! I didn't think of it until you wrote this post, but it must be because I say it often. Thanks for helping me notice and now I can try to fix it!

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  7. My 2.5 yo says "I'm sorry" a lot as well. I think she gets that from me as well - I say it a lot. I hate it when she says it, makes me sad, because most of the time she's not doing anything to warrant a "I'm sorry." If we bump her, she says, "Oh, sorry." Ugh. Parenting is hard.

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  8. Remember, you are AWESOME. And awesome human beings have tough days too. Saying "no", I think, is one of the hardest skills to learn in life. When you need to say no for your mental sanity, emotional clarity, or physical wellbeing. It's okay, and there's always more races.

    We can't always be on top of our game, otherwise the times we are wouldn't feel as sweet.

    You are STRONG and a badass. Just remember this is temporary.

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  9. You know I drove all the way to to the flying pig half which is 2 hours from me. Parked. Looked around and realized that after 2 months of no running I was going to eat shit and I would forever hate myself when I looked at that bling. I drove home. No regrets. I lost money but that's ok. I physically wasn't ready. I get it and my fastest mile is nowhere near yours. Let go of any guilt. It's ok to have this for you. PJ will always respect that choice. You're a good mom. A great athlete. Reset and come back stronger.

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  10. You know I drove all the way to to the flying pig half which is 2 hours from me. Parked. Looked around and realized that after 2 months of no running I was going to eat shit and I would forever hate myself when I looked at that bling. I drove home. No regrets. I lost money but that's ok. I physically wasn't ready. I get it and my fastest mile is nowhere near yours. Let go of any guilt. It's ok to have this for you. PJ will always respect that choice. You're a good mom. A great athlete. Reset and come back stronger.

    ReplyDelete

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