how did i get here?

Have you noticed a trend? Running blog... pregnant running blog...baby birth story...blog about comeback plan...radio silence...radio silence...poof. I knew in the list of things that would be left on the roadside while this circus car screamed down the road the starfish blog would be first.

I didn't expect running to take such a backseat. Or how I'd hold on to life by the edges at 3pm, so tired I could vomit. I didn't know we still wouldn't be sleeping. I didn't know how much I could love the tiny mouth that needs make sure I'm still here 6 times a night. I didn't know anything! 

Three weeks ago I went back to Oiselle full time. A full time job and a 15 week old. Sounds pretty do-able on paper. But I can count on one hand how many times I've slept more than 3 hours at a time in the last 15 weeks. And it's not just the lack of sleep it's the way it's lacking. Every night I lay a little bundle down to sleep and she might sleep 45 minutes, or an hour or four hours. But there is no way to know. Then she wakes and I must put her back down, again, like a little alarm set to an unknown time. And again and again, until the sun is rising and it's time for us to get up and meet another day.
Get on up


She talks us both awake at 6:50a. She moves her head to butt into mine because her hands are in her swaddle. Then I'm awake staring into her tiny smiling face. She's usually in bed next to me because I gave up trying to put her back down after a 4am feeding. And sleepily feed her in bed the last (couple) times. I unwrap her swaddle and pow, both hands up. She has a long stretching routine, and I lay next to her and try not to barf with exhaustion. And every morning I'm amazed at how cute she is. I take a few pics and send them to Owen who left an hour ago for the bus. Then I pick her up and sing 'What time is it? D-d-d-diaper time' Always Sunny style ... because it's diaper time.

I get ready, get her ready, make coffee, breakfast, my lunch, feed her and usually put her down for her first nap all before I leave for work. I prop her here and there...in the bed, in her rock n play, and we talk and talk. The nanny and her little boy show up at 8:45am and I run out the door to work.
Got enough toys?

I live less than 1/2 mile from the office. I walk. She comes down with the nanny once to eat and I go home once to feed her (on a good day). And pump in-between or when we can't make the eat meet up work. I love seeing her during the day. She barely eats some meet ups because she can't stop talking to me. Ahh I can't wait until we speak the same language. 
Office visit


Owen is home at 4:30pm and I'm home at 6pm. We play with PJ, attempt dinner and then I usually go to bed with her at the un-adult hour of 7:30pm. Because I'm exhausted and like I said, I just never know what the night will bring.
After work chats


Running. Hmm. Yeah. I do run, I still love it and the feeling of getting stronger. But I only have a few hours with the bug I love so much, and it's hard to use time to run. I'm figuring it out, this new life as a working mom. Yesterday I ran at lunch with Katie. Some nights I run a couple miles for sanity. I run as fast as I can. Once she starts a little better sleep, I'll run after she goes down. And after the winter we can run together with the jogger. Right now, the name of the game is love the baby and hold on tight.

Comments

  1. you're crushing it, sarah. seriously. you've got a great head on your shoulders + a good sense of humor and you're happy + in love + exhausted. it's the best you could hope for as a new and working mom! you'll eventually find a rythm and feel more comfortable about adding new beats (stay with me on this analogy), before you know it, you'll be the rockstar mama you're meant to be! keep doing doing yo' thang, girl. xo
    p.s. i love love love that she head butts you to wake up, you can already tell what a cool girl she'll be. hahaha.

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  2. I recently found your blog through browsing Instagram while nursing my new little one. Thanks for your honesty. I have been so frustrated lately because running makes me feel good about life but when sleep is only happening in 90 min chunks I seem to do more ice cream eating than running. I just keep remembering how great I felt once our first starting to sleep through the night consistently and that will happen again. Thanks again for sharing, this really made me feel not as alone (my non runner husband just didn't get it!)

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  3. I love that picture of her in the yellow with the bee hat. That cuteness more than makes up for wakeful nights. Almost ;-) Everything you wrote sounds so very normal...hard but normal :)

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  4. She's adorable. Way to power through and figure it all out--I can only imagine how tough it is! Thanks for sharing your journey and being real about it all!

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  5. Ah, you're not alone. I totally get the whole "put her down to sleep and you have no. fucking. idea. how long it will be before she wakes up" thing. And the crib? HA. First two kids despised the crib and it ended up being a laundry repository. I decided I was going to finally get it right and not only set up a crib for this one, but bought a new crib. IT MUST BE THE OLD CRIB. Yeah, she hates it. Sound asleep and then pops up wide awake as soon as her head hits the mattress. I usually give up around 4am, too.

    I keep telling myself it will get better and that eventually, we will sleep again like normal adults. I just hope it's before the kids are in high school.

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  6. Oh my gosh I am remembering all of this from last year... things change so much month to month, but it's all a blur looking back. You're doing great Sarah, hang in there... PJ is adorable, absolutely beautiful!

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